Confidential. Please send comments to the party office.
We at the Other Party believe that the main parties have distorted democracy and become detached from the wishes of the voters of this country. We therefore present our manifesto and look forward to your support in the forthcoming local and regional elections.
Immigration: We are very much in favour of multiculturalism and completely open borders. A flood of people will put pressure on housing, which will be translated into higher house values and hence support the wealth of middle class house owners which is so vital for the economy and will enable them to survive when future state pensions are reduced. In terms of skills we particularly need to attract those who can’t and won’t work, we don’t want the advantages of higher property values diluted by a shortage of jobs, which would happen if immigrants were skilled and self-reliant and filled them all.
Defence: We believe in strong armed forces, but accept there are divisions and funding dissensions between the services which can cause inefficiencies. For that reason we will build new aircraft carriers for the Navy but avoid inter-service rivalry by not putting any aircraft on them. The air force will get state of the art fighters but no troop carriers because the Army might be tempted to try and use them. This will do much to reduce inter-service squabbles. In the interests of the environment all ordinance will be designed to be bio-degradable, there is no reason why the forces should not do their bit for the planet.
Europe: We believe in being controlled by Europe but not part of Europe. We will continue, as the larger parties have, to absorb, ‘gold plate’ and pass into law all EU legislation. Although there are deniers, a panel of 50 top economists and politicians all agree in their report that the bureaucrats in Brussels are much better paid than those in the UK, and must therefore be much more clever. This has already caused a 2% rise in global intelligence. Science lead policy therefore leaves us no choice but follow the Brussels diktats. There may be some issues which your neighbours might take unfair advantage of, like cross border shopping to save duty, relaxations of vehicle MOT obligations and various other tax and administrative burdens that afflict only the UK. These opt-in-deepers will be kept because it’s vital to demonstrate the moral superiority of our nation over the rabble across the channel.
Foreign aid and charities: It’s quite obvious that charitable giving causes untold problems of envy and tax avoidance and some charities are of doubtful efficacy. We will therefore prohibit all private charitable donations and government will distribute an appropriate sum of money in a fair and even handed manner. Only government have a clear and accurate idea of where charity help is needed and which charities deserve support. This will also get rid of those annoying people with tins who molest shoppers on our high streets. As part of our foreign aid initiative we will increase finance to Indian call centres that will be tasked with calling every UK household at least once a day to pretend they are Microsoft and sell them dodgy anti-virus software. Support for people needing to get large sums of money quickly from Nigerian banks will be similarly increased.
Individual privacy: This is a very important issue. People get upset when their secrets are made public. To overcome this we will comprehensively ban all secrets. We will make it mandatory for everyone to keep a diary of all their activity directly on a government server or have their system mirrored on one. We will then arrange for the files to be liberally distributed via lost pen drives, lost disks and hacking opportunities to ensure everything done by everyone is completely open, transparent and above board.
Tax: We believe in fair taxation. Therefore we will discontinue the current practice of holding a budget in advance of the tax year and refrain from publishing tax rates, allowances or tax accountancy rules. Under our revolutionary plan these decisions will not be made until after the end of each tax year. At that time we will assess accurately how much the government has spent on your behalf over the year, how much tax is therefore needed, and we will make up tax rates and rules retrospectively to cover that expenditure.
Global warming: This is of course the biggest risk to mankind in human history. We will therefore introduce a ‘green scam’ deal whereby representatives of B&Q and Homebase will cold call every household at least once a day asking if they require double glazing, solar panels, cavity wall insulation, roof insulation, wind generators or draft excluders. It will be a requirement that every household must accept one such offer each year and register their acceptance with their local council (fees yet to be decided). We will of course continue to tax carbon via a carbon trading scheme and this will be expanded. In particular pencils will be subject to a minimum price of 60pence per inch and HMRC will issue guidelines for cross border shopping allowance should people buy pencils abroad. (It is to be hoped that Wickes will also become partners in the green scam deal but currently their policy whereby ‘everything we make has our name on it’ breaches our advertising regulations).